Yesterday I spoke with my brother J and he will come down to visit next week, he said. It was lovely to hear from him. We had a long chat and I told him how it was here.
On Monday I’ll be going into my fifth week. I’m almost at the halfway point. It hasn’t been a cake walk but it hasn’t been super tough either. I haven’t cracked up yet!
I dreamed about Siyana last night. It was something like I found a load of messages on her phone. These messages were actually chats she had open on different dating websites. She was having about 20 different conversations with 20 different guys. I felt sick when I woke up. The dream was highly ironic, as she suspected me of “seeing someone” after she found messages to a friend of mine on my facebook account. She knew the login and went on to check something for me as we are not allowed mobile phones or computers in here, not even access to them. Anything electrical for that matter. They took my electric shaver from me when I checked in. But back to the dream: all the profiles and pictures she had up on these dating sites were really kinky, she was topless in most of them. She had done some modelling, but these ones were beyond any of the photo shoots she had done. I was sick and worried when I woke up. Obviously this dream was telling me something. Was it saying, well now YOU know how it feels to think you’re partner is cheating! Well I hadn’t been cheating. That pissed me off! Why didn’t she just believe me? There was nothing in the messages to suggest I was having any sexual relations with my friend, who happens to be a girl. I met up with her on a few occasions after work for coffee, as I was having these problems in the relationship through the drinking. It was for support. I don’t know why Siyana could not get that.
We had the group therapy session today with K. Some of the questions on the board were: “Do u now see you lived in a world of fantasy?” “From this are you becoming more interested in following what others say than in following and indulging your own thinking in a world of your own?” These questions were becoming repetitive. For the first one I wrote: “Yes I do. I lied so often and so casually to cover up my drinking all through my life”. And for number 2: “I am open minded to what people say. I understand that I have to stop following my habit of thinking, what comes into my mind straightway needs to be checked and examined.”
After work in the second meeting, we elaborated on what was covered in the first one. The questioning in the sessions seems to get to some of the guys in the group. I don’t mind it at all. It gives me a chance to honestly talk about myself without having to lie or cover up. I have nothing to prove or nothing to be ashamed of in here. Heal what is sick in me. I’m realising that I need therapy. I should have been going to counselling regularly. I make my mind up to that when I’m back outside. It should be part of my recovery.
Then there was a bit of a fight between two guys in the group. A few words were exchanged, then suddenly one of the guys jumped up and threatened to hit the other guy with a chair. A few of the guys in this group have been in prison and sometimes there is a bit of an aggressive air. But this was over nothing and eventually it calmed down. The reaction of saying I’ll swing a chair at him, was definitely uncalled for. There’s a lot of that hard man macho bullshit goes on in here and it’s stupid.
Later I spoke with Siyana. I could tell she was down. I think she wants to leave Ireland and go back home. I also think she thinks that she can’t trust me anymore. I don’t trust myself, so how can she have trust in me. If I can stay sober I am convinced I can restore that trust. Once I’m not drinking I can be that guy that she loves, the guy she perhaps can’t see in me anymore. I can bring that guy back. I hope I can. I wrote Siyana a letter and went to bed.