16.03.2016

Head felt very stuffy this morning. Missed the meditation at 8. Couldn’t get out of bed for it. Got up at 8.45, washed, went down for breakfast. After we got the cleaning duties done etc, I went down for tea with two of the lads.We had a nice chat and walked around the grounds together. The guys that are in my group are mostly sound and we can share a laugh, which helps. Me and another guy, Neil, discussed our war stories and there were a lot of similarities. Alcoholism is a madness. It takes over the brain, a bit like a kamikazee pilot at the wheel of a plane.

In the therapy class today, we spoke of choices. We can make choices that can be a gain or a loss to our recovery. True. I suppose it’s also a choice of working out which is more of a gain than a loss.

After dinner when I went to the shop, there was a letter for me. On the back, and I didn’t immediately notice the handwriting, “Siyana Kovacheva, 90 Drumcondra Road Lower”. Inside was a card she made for me, “I’m with ya,” the writing said, “even when I’m not.” There was the imprint of her lipstick kiss on it. It was the only Happy St. Patrick’s Day card I ever received, and it was the sweetest thing ever. And it reminded me that Siyana is the sweetest person I’ve ever met.

Mass was cancelled for some reason, so I just lay around on my bed and read for the afternoon. I’m reading two books at the moment, “The Gum Thief” by Douglas Coupland and “Riven Rock” by TC Boyle. I’ve known about TC Boyle for some time but I’ve never got around to reading him. A lot of critics say he’s one of the best fiction writers alive.

In Riven Rock the story is hard to follow as it jumps around alot – also might be down to the librium – but the writing is breathtaking in places. All over the place actually.

Around 7.30 I made a call to Siyana. She was in the middle of a double shift at work, was planning on going into town later. I suppose being Paddy’s Day and everything tomorrow town would be great craic to go out. She doesn’t drink much anyway. I remembered last year when we went out on Paddy’s Day. It was about one month after we moved in together, and even then she was starting to see my drink problem. Me, her and a friend of mine Brian, all went out together for a few drinks. It started out well but eventually the night turned into a disaster. She met up with some of her friends and we were having drinks, chatting. It was all fairly civil enough until I called a friend of mine and got cocaine. We met more people, a couple of Swedish girls included and we all went back and drank and did coke. As if it wasn’t bad enough when Siyana went to bed I stayed in the living room with the rest of them, she having to get up for work the next day but the music blaring until 4 or 5 anyway. I think that set the tone, laid down some kind of marker for how crazy things would get. When she eventually kicked them all out of the house and my other friend Brian stayed on the couch, the next morning when she went to work, me and Brian went drinking again. The drinking binges however possible became worse.

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